Geschrei

 

If you're going to 'eat' (impressions) from the outside world – you had better make sure that you're THERE, first. 

 

You hear me? You catch me, a little bit? What did I just say?

 

Benny : I didn't catch it.

 

Alan : You didn't hear the words? Someone hearing this might feel, why is he talking to him so 'disrespectfully' – as if picks him up, tosses him around ten times then 'threatens his life'? But I wouldn't know how to be more respectful. Have I really got everything so twisted, upside down, inside out? And if so, then you're sure as hell in the wrong place. But what just happened now with you, Benny, it's not . . . it's still far away from the point that I'm trying to make. We'll get to talk about it . . . this is just an example . . . everything is twirling. Maybe this is one of the reasons I invited you here tonight – I assure you, not from my boredom. 

 

This just might be a good opening. There are a few people here, two in particular, who have some sense of what's going on with you, Benny – different things, different issues. Maybe some others have a sense of what's going on, but could they actually place them-selves in your position for a few minutes? Who would want to put themselves in anyone else's position? Yes, we know The Work suggests something like that – how the hell could you talk to anyone, 'consider' them, if you didn't do that? As partial and inadequate it might be when you try to consider another person, there are still many things you can see. There's for sure a 'million things' in them that even they're not aware of . . . so, "what could I know", you 'think'? But there are quite a few things that they're into that you could see, at least partially. 

 

For instance, if someone looks at you, Benny, they might just realize, "Oh yeah, there's a guy living up the hill there – got a daughter and he's got a son, and he's 'alone' . . . he's got an office over there . . . got to make some money to keep it all going." I mean, just to look at the situation with some care, say a little bit of a look at the two children. At moments they're fine, but most of the time like everyone else they're jumping around like they've got 'ants in their pants'. Not unlike what's going on here some of the time – depends when, depends who.

 

Now I see Benny sitting here, 'staring' at me. When anyone stares at someone, what are they actually doing? Why are they looking so intent-ly, what do they want? 

 

I was talking to Tami about that a little earlier – it touches on why I called you in here. To get more focused, more focused, more focused – not to leave everything just hanging in the air. What I was talking to her about, was the obviousness of how people often engage others with more than a bit of 'anger' – and how much ATTENTION they get from that! If you're 'angry' it means you think someone's done something 'wrong'. And as most people always feel a little guilty anyways, because they don't know exactly what they're doing most of the time, it's not so hard to trigger that "oh, what did I do NOW?" 

 

You sure do get ATTENTION that way. That's the truth of the matter, as pathetic and degrading as it is. Anybody care to 'fess up' to that?

 

So you, Benny, turn out to be a good example right now, for my purposes. I've got purposes, in case anyone ever wondered. Maybe you thought that I'm just hanging around for my next meal, hamburger maybe, or the next girl that goes by that I can slap on the tachat (backside), whatever. 'Purposes' – anyone ever even looked at that word? Can you judge purposes by what someone is doing? 'Worst Case Scenario', 'End of Days', 'Anxiety Please', 'Suffering', 'The Joy of Dis-illusionment', 'Wasting God's Time', 'A Life for a Life'? Now, what the hell is all that about? Does it have something to do with purposes, or just another kind of mental masturbation? Is it so difficult to imagine what my purposes are, what I value? Well, I try to join you in it . . . my purposes that is . . . not disconnected from my sense of what might be in your best interest, as well. 

 

But if you're blind and don't see . . . then what difference can it all make? People generally drift from one want to another, to an irritation, a frustration, to anger, to another god knows what – BLAMING ! It's mostly from their mechanical reaction to 'discomfort'. How anyone here can still 'blame' with a straight face, is beyond my understanding. What in god's name do you actually expect from the person you're blaming? That THEY should know what they are doing, be in control and not just reacting from their discomfort – be 'controlled', just like you are? What, that you are 'consciously good' and they're 'consciously bad'? Come on now!

 

So, I try to talk to you. When I asked, 'did you get it?', I thought, did you 'understand' what I was saying? Not only did you not understand, you didn't even hear the words. Well, it sure as hell didn't fit into all the other 'stuff' that's always going on in your head. No complaint on my part, no criticism there . . . it's just about inevitable. 

 

Who the hell can figure out ONE other person? Try it on a nine or ten year old! Who even asks such questions? Just to ask the question, to put yourself in someone else's situation. "Are you kidding? I like or I don't like – that's what's going on in me, comfortable or un-comfortable – don't even have to think about it." So, how can you, do you, expect others to put themself in YOUR situation?

 

Who has the ability, the background, knowledge of human beings or themselves to even wildly guess what's going on in another person? You barely see more than their stupidity, jealousy and protectiveness . . . their, their, their! "Oh, I could tell THEM a thing or two . . . but they won't even listen to me! And what – I shouldn't let them know how angry that makes me?" 

 

All of that kind of stuff is going on at such a sub-conscious level that you even wonder what the hell I'm talking about, or who I could be talking to?

 

I'm getting a little away from the point. But just where do you think you are in this house, for instance? Just to take a 'narrow look'. Where do you think you are? Actually, where do you think you are in this WORLD? What is going on in you other than your 'like', your 'don't like', 'I want', 'I don't want'? Have I collected around me a bunch of stone headed idiots that can only think about 'I like', 'I don't like', what AGREES with them? Where do you think you are . . . do I look like a lonely person to you? 

 

So I throw this out . . . and everybody goes . . . IT goes  . . . 'bump'. I said, 'you catch what I mean?' I won't say it again. I just hit everybody's 'bump' 'bump' 'bump'. Yes, you too, with the straight face. 'So what', you think – you've heard me say a lot of things. 

 

This LIFE is a SCHOOL – every situation that you find yourself in is truly a 'classroom' – all of it. Some class-rooms are more AWARE of that fact. We're in this world to learn how to be Real, how to find our Self. There is Knowledge around relative to the issue – that can be APPLIED. We really can be more than just a knee-jerk reaction to like, don't like, and you should, you shouldn't. Yes, yes, yes . . . you sometimes realize that . . . but still.

 

I'm missing Tair now, because I know how people absorb things in so many different ways. Also Ronen, I'm missing. 'Ronen' . . . nice name, right? I wonder what stands behind it. Is there something else there other than 'shock'? But who gives a shit to know, just to know, like to know a flower, a tree, to know a cat, a dog, the sun setting and rising – to know 'what's going on'? We're in the midst of a most incredible world, but frozen in the agony of . . .? Something to do with seeking a 'fixed identity', maybe? 

 

Say, is it possible to give yourself a heart attack?

 

So you're sitting here in the usual state that most people are in most of the time – waiting for something to happen. You're not in tension at the moment because you're not expected to do anything in particular, in this 'interval', now. 

 

A couple of people here feel, without quite thinking about it – who the hell does he think he is? He picks up the phone, calls and I come! What, I'm a slave or some-thing, I owe him something, what? And who really knows him, you know, what he does when we're not around, mamzer (bastard) . . . Alan, hummm, god knows what's going on . . . what stands behind THAT name? Pure absolute self-interest? Well, ba'al habait (landlord), you have to be a bit careful, right? 

 

I'm talking to you and to whoever's not here now. Does YOUR 'wanting to do' conform to what this place is doing . . . or are you only revolving within your own exaggerated self-importance? Every once in a while you say, "Thank God, at least I know the difference between my usual pathetic habits and when I'm truly awake." Everyone's got some taste of that difference. Anyone want to comment on that at the moment? Maybe contradict me? 

 

There's something obviously missing. Maybe it's not totally missing, or no one would be here. What is the Work about, and is THAT why you're here? What is the meaning of The Work to YOU? The study of Lies, the Uncovering of Buried Conscience, Awakening – can you even forget THAT? Anyone?

 

What is missing in people generally (it's a funny way to put it), is that they don't believe in God, don't have a 'feeling' of God. The word 'God' might be a confusing word – people generally don't think much about it. There are other quite confusing words, like 'love'. Some people tend to 'push' you in that area. They push 'love', one way or another. 'God', they didn't push so much. We'll try to circle that issue a bit here. 

 

The Work deals with all kinds of things that get in the way of Love or God – all our mechanicality, with its historically accumulated background. The Work is not 'religion' – it does not talk in terms of the 'Christos' (which is actually the level of full Self Remembering), being the 'Son of God', or doing the Will of the 'Father' (Consciousness Itself). But we most seriously miss what is called, the 'religious emotion'. So we live a life in fear – blind to the beauty and magic of All and Everything. Most don't have a chance in hell to psychologically survive what's coming up with some of the attitudes that they're now carrying. I feel obliged to tell you that. I'm not going to be guilty of pretending just how 'nice' you are and what 'good-will' you all have. Oh, for Jesus Christ, could we pretend that? 

 

Gurdjieff, Bennett, Nicoll, etc. didn't talk about God, hardly. They delt with people exactly where they were – within their pride, vanity, accounts and internal considering, their 'expectations' etc. All the mechanical stuff that goes on. 

 

Mankind: the 'Acme of Creation' – the growing shoot of organic life that can conduct Holy Influences coming down from the Universe, like nothing else can. With such potential, the 'angels bow down to man'. But most people become such self-important idiots within their false personality, ego, their isolation and loneliness. 

 

The Work is about HOW THINGS ACTUALLY WORK. Generally it's, "Give me ATTENTION . . . because if you don't give me attention . . . I fall into 'limbo' . . . because I don't know how to give myself attention. I'm so tired . . . trying to be 'somebody' . . . and if you don't respect me . . . I'll kill you!"

 

Attention is light, is 'food' by the way (essential catalyst). Most people are petty thieves in that area . . . they'll grab it at every opportunity . . . just for temporary identity . . . to be a real 'somebody' . . . even for a moment. The notion of giving attention to one's 'selves', by oneSelf, seems to have gotten lost a long time ago.

 

What is the first Diagram that the Work talks about . . . anyone wants to put their hand up?

 

Uzi : The 'double arrow'.

 

Alan : Yes, the double arrow. That means that you're aware 'out', and you're aware 'in'. Sounds easier than it is. If you don't go to sleep, to sleep, to sleep – maybe we can get serious now. Am I interrupting your dream? Am I interrupting your dream? Am I interrupting your dream? Can I interrupt your dream? May I interrupt your 

dream? On my part I have no choice but to absorb your irritation and anger when I interrupt your dream. 

 

Answer me with sincerity – what do you think of me yelling like that, have I lost my mind? Is that what you think? You want to do a dance around me like you do around other people, get me into one of your dances, do you?

 

Now to take a jump. Someone of 'knowing caliber', maybe it was Gurdjieff, said: 'Real Prayer' is prayer in three centers at the same time. What the hell were they talking about? Can you – who value the science of The Work – hear such an 'odd' statement and not PONDER it? You might spend more time dealing with your 'constipation' than thinking what this really means. 

 

I wonder what other Ideas you've heard that you don't ponder? The issue of the Work is Awakening – being truly Human and not just an angry or sentimental reaction to everything that's around. 

 

We are not our thoughts, we HAVE thoughts. We are not our emotions, we HAVE emotions. We are not our body, sensations, we HAVE a body, sensations. What we have and what we essentially are, is very essentially different. We can pay Attention to our Centers and come alive to the fact that – essentially we ARE Consciousness and Spirit, in a Body!

 

What have I created or allowed to happen here at the house? A comfortable place for everyone to do their 'I don't know what' . . . to live out their 'I don't know what'? You want a mate, we'll get you a shack. You want warmth, not a bad place to find it, maybe. Money, well that's a little bit difficult. Love, how about appreciation, recognition? Maybe to be artistic? Well, there is some space here to experiment with these things. Here you don't have to struggle with a husband or wife within a k’tuba (marriage contract), with lawyers and rabbis telling you what to do. You're kind of free here, can do more or less what you want as long as it doesn't get in my way. You can test me if you like, but there's an expression in The Work that says: 'He who tests the tested is a fool.' Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

 

So, back to our business here!

 

Real Prayer: Prayer in three Centers (Mental, Emotional, Physical) at the same time. But what actually 'constitutes' this thing called 'prayer'? A 'minyan' in a synagogue, Christians make the sign of the cross, those in a Mosque? I don't expect you've thought about it much, everything is taken as a 'given', taken for granted. You see thousands of people prostrating themselves on prayer rugs . . . what are they doing? When people fall ill, they pray for 'help'. Is that it? Buddhist or other meditations? Prayer . . . actually you don't even like the word . . . and here's someone suggesting you 'pray in three centers'. Yes . . . bah, bah, bah, bah! 

 

Who in their 'right mind' would want to PONDER the issue of Prayer? Why would they want to do that? "Well Alan's underlining it at the moment . . . maybe I'll think about it . . . although I've got a lot of other things to think about! Anyways, I thought Gurdjieff was talking about 'Master' . . . to be strong and independent  . . . never really thought about that so much . . . but THAT idea I really liked . . . you bet I liked it." 

 

Oh pathetic souls! Do you ever stop and ponder anything, think and feel about the same thing?

 

They say: 'when in Rome do as the Romans do.' How can you 'do what the Romans do' if you're not THERE? How can you 'do' anything, if you're not 'there'? That's the magic of prayer in three centers – that allows the connection with 'Something Higher'. In religious terminology – God. In Work 'terminology' – the next level up within you where Consciousness and Conscience are fully 'functional'. That's 'God' – sometimes called 'Heaven', sometimes called 'The Work'. 

 

How can you be expected to consider these Ideas with all that you're so busy with, where you do me a favor if you stop in your tracks for a moment when I pass by, interrupting maybe? How many times have you turned me into an 'interruption'? Thank you so much for tolerating me, friends of mine.

 

Why am I speaking, why am I as if yelling. Because if I don't you're going to go right back to your painful, squirming little dream. Maybe you would like to be treated differently, maybe with more respect, attention, care and consideration – but in your terms! This is so general what I'm saying, so don't take it 'personally'. If you take it too personally it will just show another side of your own prideful ego. 

 

What a lesson here (photograph). There's no end to lessons. You have no idea of the confusion; each one of these people. I know their wives, husbands, children, parents, grandparents and great grandparents. Confused like hell . . . and still standing 'proud'. Wow, wow, it's so sad, I can't tell you. Dear X, and he is dear to me, a fine boy.

 

So, 'when in Rome do as the Romans do.' You're in 'Rome' here in this country, and you for the most part are doing JUST as the 'Romans' do – with a vengeance! Don't take it personally. How can you take it 'personally' as if you were a 'Unity' and someone is talking against 'you'? Nothing here is against you, nothing. We're commenting, maybe, on your 'centers', habits, knee-jerk reactions. Constant knee-jerk reactions, haven't you noticed? So asleep, so little awareness, that you don't even realize that you're just reacting? 

 

If there is such a thing as 'prayer in three centers', then what exactly does it consist of? Is it something real? We know that eating is real, breathing is real, shitting is real  . . . 'loving', not so sure about that one. Oh, you're not even ashamed when the word 'love' comes up in you. 

 

'Prayer': you don't really know what to do with the word. 'Love': that you're at least interested in . . . it's got a great reputation. You think, "I'm going to love?" No, no . . . "I'm going to GET love." Oh dear me, how disgusting if someone thought that way. There's no real thinking at all, it's all quite mechanical.

 

STOP for god's sake fooling yourself, or think you're fooling anybody else, last but not least, me. I will not be party to you fooling yourself, if I can help it. I'm trying to help it, now.

 

Prayer: an interesting notion, no? Gurdjieff wasn't a romantic, wasn't just standing there crying 'God help me!' So what is it about? 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do' – there is the implication, somehow, that the Romans 'knew what they were doing'. It was an elaborate culture with some kind of logic behind it. There's no such assumption here in this country. This is the 'Wild West', who can 'draw first'. Rome had some kind of order – from Roman Law, Western Civilization took off. But, if you're going 'to do as the Romans do' the first thing you have to do, is to BE there. Then you can do whatever is to be done, if anything at all.

 

Prayer . . . in three centers (Mind, Emotion, Body) . . . we'll pretend for the moment we're interested . . . we don't even like the word, particularly, doesn't ring a bell . . . but we're talking about it, what it might be. We allow ourselves to recognize a 'question' coming from a totally serious source . . . not just the Pope and not some hozer b'tshuva (newly religious) who's trying to sell us something. And we're not now talking about fear, greed or vanity, we're not talking about pride or being 'king shit'. We're not talking about any of that – we're talking about prayer, got it? 

 

Why to look at it now? Because at the moment you don't have a choice? You could get up and go . . . but you're not at all sure just how that would 'reflect'. So, you're here. Oh shit, you get yourself in that position so often – no choice, don't know why, get stuck. So you're stuck now. The 'stuck' now is the word 'Prayer'. What can you do, block your ears?

 

I must say that I hadn't thought so much about that word either, although I have had a variety of experiences in the area that I won't go into right now. But I will try to put some common sense into my 'ignorance' around the issue as it is now on the table. Maybe there's something that can be highlighted. I've already said it: "In order to 'do' anything, anywhere, you have to 'BE' there." If you're going to 'do as the Romans do', you have to first BE – in order to see, to 'do'.

 

So also with PRAYER in the three centers, you must BE there, first of all – aware of what's going on in your 'machinery'. You want to know what prayer is? You have to be AWARE . . . you have to BE aware IN those three centers!

 

You ENTER the 'centers' with ATTENTION, with observation – let CONSCIOUSNESS insert Itself. That's common sense, no? 

 

Prayer is really 'nothing', not 'doing' anything – just BEING there. If you're There . . . and There . . . and There – OBSERVING what is going on in those three Centers – THAT'S Real Prayer! 

 

I am assuming with the people I am now talking that there is a residue somewhere back there of 'common sense', relative to where you are in this house. The AIM of it. The 'where', 'who' and 'what for'. Some common sense – not that 'here' is just 'another something' that 'happens to be going on'. Is that asking too much from a human being in terms of intelligence? Does all this seem totally purposeless, something that can be just run over or bypassed? Or do you want to climb on my shoulders in order to jump into someone else's arms, into something more 'profitable'? Don't take all of this too 'personally', but you can be aware that you might still be living your life at a very 'ordinary' level.

 

Douglas and family . . . this is what was so remarkable  . . . they have no idea how utterly ordinary they are . . . utterly ordinary. It would be wonderful if they could understand that, and then move on from there. But YOU are not ordinary, are you? I've got news for you – you are utterly ordinary. Can you RECOGNIZE that and then WORK to rise above it? 

 

I don't know how it connects, but I'm thrown into a memory from some fifty years ago. In Brooklyn – Purim, with the Lubavitcher Rebbe, the 'Messiah'. In India they would have called him 'Avatar' – that which lives and will never die. That's very true . . . and it's also 'Something' in you. CONSCIOUSNESS never dies, it is Eternal, actually. What is essentially YOU is Eternal. How pathetic for the Eternal to get identified with a piss poor personality. 

 

I had a question for the Rebbe, something that deeply concerned me. Do you have a 'real' question? We won't go into that right now, but you should really consider that – because with no question, no answer! There is serious Knowledge around – but it's useless in face of no question. Think about that one. 

 

I had a meeting with the Rebbe in Brooklyn. I won't get into what my question was, it's now beside the point. But it was Purim, and at Purim they had what is called a 'Fabregen'. Did you ever hear that Hassidic term? It took place near the yeshiva in the large gymnasium, with long tables along all the walls – Hassidim seated with the Rebbe at the head. The place had low lights, behind the seated people many, many young students packed in between the long tables and the wall. There must have been at least five thousand people in there. Then the 'Fabregen' – wine, drink until you don't know the difference between Haman (evil) and Mordechai (good). You 'educated' Jews of course have heard of that. The Rebbe talked, and he talked, and he talked . . . and then stopped . . . and everyone would drink a full glass of wine. As the Rebbe stopped talking, he would go into a nigun (a kind of chant). You ever heard a nigun?

 

Ya ba ba ba bah, ya ba ba bah  

Ya ba ba ba bah, ya ba ba bah 

Ya ba ba ba bah, ya ba ba ba bah

Ya ba ba ba bah, ya ba ba ba bah

 

I'll tell you, the wine, and the Rebbe, and the nigun, and whatever in the atmosphere, sure as hell wiped-out anyone's sense of 'displeasure' with anyone or anything. And don't think they didn't have what to wipe out.

 

Leaving the fabregen aside – I have a friend who was the Head Nun at the Sisters of Zion Monastery in Ein Kerem, Jerusalem. Sister Dona, a Canadian originally. I was there once when the Rebbe was still alive and being the subject to all kinds of 'speculation' – was he or wasn't he the 'Messiah'? Sister Donna saw some of this on television and said to me, "Oh that poor man, what he doesn't have to face!" Now, does that fit your picture of a Catholic Nun?

 

There is the suggestion that Prayer is 'something to do'. Actually, it's the opposite – there is NOTHING to do! Real Prayer is Being – in Attention – in your 'Centers'. All formal prayers at best give a person a taste of 'eternity', out of the usual, their ego, their society, their pain. Mechanical prayer like a mechanical meditation might just do that. 

 

How do we get from the 'cleverness' of the intellect, the 'common sense', to the Reality that it's pointing to? In 'our business' it's very simple: Non-Critical Self-Observation. 

There is so much going on in the Head Brain that we get madly 'I'dentified with. You know what we're talking about when we talk about the mess of all the pathetic vanity, pride and egoism. You've seen it in yourself, and you've seen it in others as well. 

 

How can you be non-critically aware of all that goes on in there? All the 'should and shouldn't', the compulsions of 'having' to do something – all the thoughts turning? Can you observe that non-critically? You've done some of that already, otherwise you wouldn't even know what we're talking about. Is anybody not aware of what I'm talking about now, all that strange stuff that goes on in the head?

  

What am I going to do . . . I've got a tape machine running . . . to save it for after? I'm not interested in after – I'm interested in NOW. 'Personality' is always busy with after! You people are 'after people' for the most part – you wouldn't recognize 'now' if it came and yelled in your ear. That 'Mind', for the most part, is a 'before and after machine' – where we develop our as if 'I'dentity. If we weren't busy 'being' that Idiot, we would be 'nobody'. Most would rather be some kind of 'acceptable idiot'. 

 

Excuse me for yelling. If you resent my 'aggressiveness and insistence' you're fuck'n well in the wrong place. And if you think you can be in the wrong place and benefit from it, you're kidding yourself, buddy. So, you've been told.

 

Men number 'One', 'Two' and 'Three' are 'I'dentified most in their corresponding 'center'. But directed attention from within your CONSCIOUSNESS is really stronger than even your most extreme identification. 

 

It's a mix, the three centers somehow always interacting until they die. You have to be careful not to overly use any one center, or that center dies 'too quick'. Gurdjieff said, "People generally die in thirds." One center dies, then another, then, you're really 'gone'. 

 

With Self-Remembering, Self-Observation and Non-Identification, the 'centers' can relate to each other in balance. Even if 'they' are not perfectly calm, and 'you' are not perfectly unidentified – YOU can still 'oversee' them. If one 'center' continually dominates, it is going to run out. Maybe that's what actually happens in Alzheimer's disease or 'dementia'. Try, never, but never, to go with the associations of any one center alone.

 

Now you've got your toe into this serious business. Maybe if you knew more what it was all about, you would have avoided it. There's a lot of suffering on the way to the Truth, passing through the 'coverings' of lies, imagination, pretension, pride, vanity, greed, ambition and the likes. Stripping those off can be very painful, but more than worth it. 

 

Is there something in you that VALUES sincerity? What took you so far in time with me? Sincerity, for the love of something essential, or because I looked like a 'soft touch'? You need a place to sleep, he'll give it to you . . . some company, attention . . . maybe affection? A sentimental person, so to speak, a 'soft touch'?

 

The Thinking Mind: can you BE in awareness of what it is doing, without grabbing at it, twisting it, or judging it? It's very strange – the mechanical level of that Mind can't stand attention – the more you give it attention, the more it will STOP. That, would be Prayer, there. 

 

The Emotions: can you actually SEE, whatever the PICTURE is there, with whatever, rage, passion, whatever? 

 

The Body: a toothache, a pain, a knock, a sexual feeling, cold, warmth – have you ever actually FELT these things or have you just been running to or from one or the other? We've been after total 'comfort' for a long time now and never really found it – too busy running to and fro. 

 

Oh my goodness – without wine, without 'fabregen', without nigunim – we're generally a bunch of cold fish . . . trying to get to the 'ah-aum', a'men. Each one can only work with what they've got – and hopefully not fault themself too harshly for not yet being at the level of the Lubavitcher Rebbe or Jesus Christ.

 

So, I talk and I talk, with Benny somehow on the 'hot seat'. But, he's almost feeling good. It is good! Love is legitimate, and you do have an honest smile. To be aware in all 'centers' is to be Whole. To be Whole is    to be Holy. Remember, REAL 'I' stands just behind Observing 'I'. When fully 'actualized', you have Master. There you cannot be stolen by the latest thought, feeling or erection. There you don't lose your SELF, your PRESENCE. Each time you remember your SELF, it deepens. There's nothing to fear – when you're fully HERE it's all HOLY.

 

How well I still remember that 'fabregen' of some fifty years ago. It feels like I'm sitting there now. The whole room was pulsating – not only from the wine, not only the nigun, but the presence of the Rebbe who was most fully alive.

 

Let's not fool yourselves, ourselves. Pay attention to where you are. If you don't, you'll try to twist this into some kind of a 'bagel' and waste an awful lot of time. This place will not turn into a 'lonely hearts club' or a place to get an MBA degree in business. I have no choice but to express this at full volume. I am not going to fall into some romantic sense of 'doing good'.

 

I can hardly believe it – the last paper 'Fess Up', in fact the last of three rather ruthless talks, were done while I was with 'one foot in' and 'one foot out' of this world, really. Yacov who's no less 'lovely' than anyone else here, was so identified that when I was choking, making a 'noise', he was sure I was doing it just to disturb him – connected to a general irritation, I guess. Well, do you think you can break out of a mould like that, just like that?

 

I apologize again and again and again for disturbing your dream. I hope you can find a place in yourself to forgive me. 

 

So, when you 'eat', make sure you're 'there'. Then, whatever might be useful, just might get digested. If you're NOT there, then you're just a reaction to your 'starvation' for some 'kind attention'. Merely a reaction in face of your hunger. That's a tough one.  

 

Why did I call you all here tonight? For sure I don't want to waste your time. I would hope for you to find your SELF – move out of the shit of your inevitable conditioning. Is it because I care about you so much or that I just can't stand the atmosphere of all the subliminal bulshit? Probably some of both. But it was clear that I had to call this meeting now, even with my energy not so great, my health not so great. I really need my energy now just to 'get back on my feet'. Not just to get 'back', but to correct some of the elements that 'put me there'. 

 

It's really a piece of work to 'love' – much to learn. How to weave your way through the habits of a person, all their mechanical conditioning and reactions? To 'love' a person you first have to 'find them' – identify 'them' as opposed to their habits. In order to do that you have to be clear in yourself – the ESSENTIAL YOU as opposed to your own habits. You understand? How can you know another person if you don't know what is essentially you?

 

I wonder what happened to those thousands of Hassidim from the 'fabregen' that I witnessed. I wonder what they're doing now. They loved the Rebbe, so much. What are they doing now? Hopefully not being busy in being 'proud Jews'. People have no idea of just how precious they actually are in the eyes of 'God'. That's not said for any obtuse reason – other than it's true. 

 

I was more dead than alive. At the moment I'm more alive than dead. Not a hell of a lot, but considerably more than recently. We've generally got a terrible attitude towards 'death', twisted, all wrong. I had to have this meeting tonight with you.  

 

There are three Essential Principles that you cannot afford to forget. There are also 'supporting elements'. But all Work Ideas point in the same direction. You can't make all the usual mistakes and at the same time do what is essential. The Essentials which you should never ever forget are: Non-Critical Self-Observation, Non-Identification, and Self-Remembering. You can't make those efforts if you give into the usual bulshit that goes on by itself in you. The 'hope', as it is sometimes put, is in the 'Kingdom of Heaven' – the only level where you can truly be 'free'. You can only come seriously alive in the Purity of Consciousness. That's the challenge on earth! If you don't have some kind of passion in that direction, then you waste your time here. What kind of emotion this might bring up I don't know. But the emotional element is most essential. Ultimately, the total Uncovering of Buried Conscience.

 

Now you get to live in this place with some reasonableness – a nikui rosh (head cleaning) at a minimum. It's very peaceful, very nice relatively speaking. So nice now that I hate to break up this meeting, although I'm finished – though not totally. I'll still be here tomorrow, I think. 

 

I'm going to keep in step with every god damn thing that’s happening under my umbrella. Including the guy that might walk in with food for the dogs, if necessary. It's a Truism: 'As everything in the world is connected, there is no such thing as a small thing.' I know that, so I have to keep balance here. Where to use the energy!

 

I sit here at the moment, and I feel – would you believe it – a kind of a gratefulness that you have enough strength in your-selves at least to be able to tolerate this meeting . . . which is now closed.

 

This is nice – like a good party, no one wants to go home. And that's all it's for, 'how to go home'. Home is where the heart is. The Sufi symbol is a heart with two wings on it. Do you understand that you are not living your life in love – but in fear, generally? Can you 'put your foot down' and say: 'no more – even if it costs me my life?' You don't 'buy' love for less than for your 'life'. 

 

All and any imitations stink to high heaven!

 

At the moment this is all we've got, so let's try to use it, right?

 

 

This is it, goodnight.