Suicide & After words


Suicide & After Words / Document 6

February 2001


There is a thin veil between the living and the dead. One could say the 'so-called living' and the 'so-called dead', because the words, other than being frightening, really don't have any meaning, generally speaking. There is only One Reality, One Totality – what we call 'God'. That is a word that really scares shit out of us. It feels so abstract and distant, and brings up everything from fear to guilt. But the word 'God' is specifically the word that indicates 'everything'. And within the everything, we, as human beings, are aware of only a sliver.

So the word 'God' seems to refer to the 'unknown', which, for the most part, is true. There is far more unknown than there is known. God in Totality takes in the known and the unknown – the experienced and the un-experienced.

There is a thin veil between the experienced and the un-experienced. But it all exists – and it all exists now. Whatever 'is' exists now. Whatever is after death, is also now. Whatever an individual can experience now, and whatever they might experience after the body drops – all exists now.

Okay, this is just leading up to something. What occurs to me as the best example, or the example that now comes to mind, is that of the caterpillar and the butterfly. A caterpillar 'exists'. You can take a step further back – there was some kind of egg or larva. So, first of all the 'egg' exists, and out of the egg comes a caterpillar. The egg is gone, but the life that was in the egg is now in the caterpillar. Then the caterpillar goes into a cocoon, and turns into a butterfly. The caterpillar 'dies', and then you've got a butterfly. The caterpillar was crawling around on a thousand legs and now we've got a butterfly flipping through the bright blue sky.

That's a 'Transformation'. The spirit that was in the egg, its essence, and the essence of the caterpillar, and the essence of the butterfly is the same. The egg was an alive something and the caterpillar had that live-ness in it, and the butterfly also has that same live-ness. The same essence!

With humans, there is a veil between their usual perception and what happens when the body drops – which is the equivalent of the caterpillar dying, so to speak. A thin veil is there – but it is semi-transparent. To some extent, you can experience the other side.

Maybe the best example of that is a person's belief or faith in God. Someone says: 'I believe in God.' What does it mean – you believe in God? You don't know. How can you believe in something you don't know? But for some, there's a strong sense of something greater than us. I don't want to go into a description of that – but the sense of the existence of Higher Intelligence, God – call it what you want. That is a 'perception' coming through the veil.

You use the word 'God' when explaining something to a child. Why does it rain? "Comes from God." Why is the grass green? "God." Where did we come from? "God made us." And it's accepted so simply. It's not a 'logical' kind of thing – it's somehow a reflection from the other side. That's what I said – 'semi-transparent veil'.

In the days we are now living many unusual things are manifesting. The energy is so high and the sensitivity so great, that all kinds of unusual events are now almost common place. For instance, this whole business of 'channeling'. Stuff coming through that is obviously not human. Why is it not human? It is super-human. It is not natural – it is 'super-natural'. So the veil, because of the current high energy, is somehow very, very thin.


I have had various kinds of communication with the dead. Some were written about in the booklet 'Death etc'. They were all very different. Uncle Jack, in Florida, was the first one:              

"What do you want?", I ask him.

"What I should do?", asks he.

"Follow the light – you have no more business down here!", was the reply.

Now, that's been repeated. Na'ama had this 'sense' of Tzvika – "I'm trapped, I'm trapped!" She says to him: "Follow the light." I don't know, you see – she read it. It's not so simple. Perception is not memory and it's not imitation. To talk about what's beyond the veil, with whatever perception, is very delicate. It's a little like trying to explain to someone why you 'believe' in God. Can you do it? It's beyond usual logic. Most people cannot allow themselves to leave their 'logic' even for a moment – to hear, to allow another part of their mind to grasp something beyond logic.

I'm reminded of Dina's family. They have this relative Menorah, in Savyon. She's a healer and a 'channeler'. The family receives some literature, because Menorah is connected with a group that sends out bulletins – about the channeling. They see this material – but they don't believe it. They can't. Were they to believe it they would have had to leave their 'rational' mind. And if they would leave their rational mind, they would lose 'themselves'. Because, they have their identity in their 'I know . . . this is possible . . . that's not possible'.

This is getting a little closer to what I want to come to – the question of 'identity'. The subject, these days, is Tzvika's suicide. What comes together or what is being called for, is some kind of clarification.

Yesterday we contacted Moshe from Hatzor – a man who gives every indication of being quite universal in his heart and head. From our conversations and  experience with him, it's clear he's not limited by his orthodox religious background. He studied in a Yeshiva, taught in a Yeshiva and has a background in Kabala. He is walking around in 'Haredi' black garments but looking very fresh – suits made of fine material and well pressed, pant legs tucked into white socks and shoes polished. Altogether it's kind of an elegant, normal, organized attire. He visits here and is quite appreciative. He says that what they study, theoretically in the Yeshiva, he sees here as ma'ase (doing). I talk to him about various things and he says: "Ah, that's exactly what it says in Mishna, or Torah." He goes downstairs and sees a sign on the bulletin board: 'Mechanical (un-necessary) talking is a road straight to hell!' "That's exactly what we study, exactly!", he says. (I mention this just to give a bit of background.)

(To Merav): It's okay to take some water. Drink it relaxed, because when you are not relaxed you make more 'noise' with an un-relaxed vibration than you could in any other way. You are doing something very simple!

Anyways, the source of the Torah is obviously from Above, however it might otherwise get twisted. I was thinking about the Tzvika issue – what does the religion suggest? No one ever told me and I never read about it – but this 'taking your own life' seems to be regarded as being such a bad thing. Like just about the worst thing you can do. So I ask Moshe: "What do they say – can you do anything for someone who killed themself?"

Maybe there's something that can help. I'm like Ehud Barak (ex-prime minister) who was ready to turn over every stone for 'peace'! So, I turn over that stone. Moshe starts talking about Kaddish (prayer for the dead), and his relationship to synagogue. He says: "I don't think of it so much as a 'synagogue' – but rather as spirits that are gathered together. It's not like people in the shuk (market-place)."

He didn't go much further. What he was indicating is a certain 'power'. That could be true, though god-knows what might get mixed within it. I've heard more than one person, from more than one religion, say: "I won't pray with anybody." Or, as Leonard Cohen put it: "If you call me brother, forgive me if I inquire just according to whose plan!"

Man's relationship to religion and God is more often than not 99% subjective – his own conceptions, his own feelings, his own imagination. Generally speaking it is not objective. When it becomes objective, someone is likely to end off nailed to a cross. The subjective can not stand the objective. Don't expect a caterpillar to see a butterfly. First of all it can't even look up!

Why did I bring in Moshe? He said: "Maybe I could arrange a 'minyan', get this rabbi to say 'kaddish'." "But look", says I, "what's going on out there with these gangsters turned newly-religious." "Yes, religious gangsters!", he says. That's the feeling one gets sometimes – people going out to pray and the negativity is coming out of their ears, like fire. What the hell is going on there? It doesn't feel very good.

We find Yitzkhaki (son), a 'goy' in their terminology, and they're getting him to 'pray'. I mean, he can't, in their terminology, be part of a minyan. I tell you though, he is more of a Jew than most of them. Because, this term 'Jew' (more exactly Israel) stands for a Higher Level within a person. It's all so bloody confused. One of the things I talked to Moshe about was: what happens when Ya'akov's name is changed to Israel? When Ya'akov becomes 'Israel' – the caterpillar just turned into a butterfly.

I'm mixing too many analogies now. We're talking about death and after-death. Maybe there is something to be done here.

People hear that something is 'bad' – not only bad but the worst – like to kill yourself. But, an overblown ego that can not be the 'best', would gladly be the 'worst'. They don't give a shit. The worst sounds like somebody else's opinion, or bad for somebody else. It doesn't occur to them that it's bad for themselves. God, it seems, says it's bad if they take their own life – and they say 'fuck god'. But they're really fucking themselves!

It's been suggested that a person can commit themselves to 'eternal damnation'. I think that's Christian terminology. But 'God', which is the Totality, is not vindictive, does not want to 'punish'. It's not: "Oh, you did a bad, bad, bad thing – and now we're gonna give it to you." That's a very human, petty sort of thinking. If some terrible condition results – it's something that is lawful. A person could find themself 'locked' into something – it just becomes a fact.

There may be a way to help Tzvika. I'll go into it now. Maybe some can under-stand it mentally, although just 'mentally' is not full understanding. The Work defines Understanding as: 'Truth (Knowledge) meeting a corresponding level of Being'. I'm not talking about that now – I'm talking about understanding in the general sense, like: "Oh yeah, that feels . . . that could be . . ." of those who could understand, even at that thin level, there may be a few who could go further – and do something with it.

It's been said that souls are 'dying' to come into this world. That's interesting – they're anxious to come into this world. One could think: 'Why? Why would they want a body?' You could speculate that a soul that wants to come into this world has a wide perspective – can see what this world is all about. It's not a comfortable place to be in – not for anybody! As Gurdjieff pointed out – this is a 'pain factory'.

The more you see the more you realize how true that is. The black and the white, the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the healthy and the unhealthy – how everyone is suffering! If a disincarnate soul can see with a wider perspective, then they are not coming here to have a good time. They are not going to have a good time. Nobody has a 'good time'. This is not yet heaven – this is earth.

Okay, so why? The clearest thing that arises, which is consistent with 'yeda' (Knowledge) and also consistent with experience – is that with a body, one can transform. The body is a Transforming Mechanism.

It's explained in many of the traditions as to why is man so unique. Man can evolve. Animals always will be animals and angels will always be angels, but this body gives us an incredible opportunity to change our 'level of being'. By its ability to refine energy. And the energy to be refined, is the energy of pain. Refining it through, what is called 'Understanding'. We are sitting in the transforming machine – Tzvika ain't got it no more!

Make yourself (Tamara) comfortable. Wakey, wakey wakey wakey wakey. When I express myself, push a 'button' on a tired person who missed 'catching something' – it's not because I'm angry, it's not because I'm critical. I take it as an opportunity to give the fucking energy a shove up. And you know that in your inner self.

I think by the end of this conversation there will be the possibility of a little experiment – little or big, we shall see. Actually, in a way, it's been started.


When a person takes their own life, one of the things that is so obvious is that they were in incredible pain – psychologically. People may take their life as a result of physical pain, but it's usually around psychological issues.

Psychological/electronic body – it's a Soul  issue.

When the life leaves the body, the energy of the spirit still remains in the electronic body, the psyche – what is called the Soul. Something survives from the caterpillar into the butterfly – the spark of life. While it's in the human body, that spark creates an, as if, 'identity': "I am a circus man, I am a father of eight, I am this, I am that, I have this, I have that – and that's who 'I am'. Someone says 'Tzvika' – and I know they are talking to me."

It's a false identity – it's personality, it's an ego, it's a picture. It's a pasted-up picture that is always being 'juggled' – because it doesn't stand up for very long. Other people don't really accept it. Nevertheless, we go to sleep, we wake up – and we've got the same pictures in our head. It 'somehow' maintains itself.

A person kills themself in an agonized picture, with whatever guilt. We look at Tzvika and say: "It's ridiculous – why, man, should you be guilty? Yeah, we know, you yelled here and lost your temper there and whatnot. But look, you were a fine carpenter, you did beautiful things, you entertained people, you had eight children, you delivered them all yourself, you delivered others. Why should you feel guilty? You've done more nice things than any other ten people put together. How can you be guilty? We love you, love you, we love you, Tzvika! Yes, we saw your immaturity, we saw your vanity – you weren't the greatest personality in the world. You were angry, you were critical." People don't know that of course – you'd have to know him for a long time. I can say that to him: "You were a shmuck on the outside, in a way – maybe not – I don't know. You had your 'sensitivity' – maybe it was your mother, maybe it was your wife, maybe it was the holocaust surviving mentality, maybe it was the army, maybe it was this stupid country – all on top of your sensitivity. And you got turned into a very 'knowing' something – quite a 'personality'. But people who really knew you didn't give a shit for that level. They just saw something very nice shining through you – and they loved you. But nevertheless you went out, believe it or not, with a lot of self-importance. You knew that you were 'bad'! For you to know that, and that there was nothing left to do, you had to be really 'intelligent', eh? You knew everything!" 

So, an incredible package of pain and guilt went out. As long as a person is in life, there is potentially something they can do with that – but when they're 'out' and don't have a body anymore – they may be quite stuck.

A person can die angry and disappointed or whatnot, but it's not the end of the story – because there are other schools. No matter what you die with, there are lawful consequences – you go exactly to the place your vibration takes you. Best not to talk too much about it, because there is a veil. As long as one is in the body, there will not be total clarity. However thin the veil between the caterpillar and the butterfly, the caterpillar will never know the world of the butterfly until he is a butterfly. But nevertheless, a number of people we know, have already seen, for instance, past lives. They've seen through the veil. Other people have had other unique perceptions. Each can get a crack at, maybe, certain aspects of the other side – but they'll never know the whole story until they are there.

Now, here it gets close to the point where it's very questionable whether anyone can do anything, or who can do what. Tzvika was a very very complex package. The more complex, the harder to perceive, the harder to understand. I don't know how many could say they really knew Tzvika, the different sides of him, felt it, saw it.


(Thunder-clap!) That thunder is going to be the best part of this tape . . . but maybe that won't be true.

I'll put it in mathematical terms if I can, or as close as I can. When I was questioning Moshe I was looking to see what might come out of him that could give a hint of how to deal with this situation, that hadn't occurred to me. All my connections with the dead, up to now, have been different – there wasn't any feeling on my part of 'something to do'. It was something that 'happened' because of . . . whatever.

But, we're conditioned to take suicide as a horrible thing. It touches everyone to one degree or another. This episode affected Raffa more, because he's had the 'experience'. It hit other people somewhat less, but most feel: "what agony he must have been in!" What agony a person must be in before they can hang themselves.

But then, with one or another level of consciousness, the living and the dead co-exist. It's all 'alive'. Some Sufi put it very poetically. He was asked: "Aren't you afraid of death?" He replied: "No, in one lifetime I was a stone, I died as a stone and came back as a plant, died as a plant and came back as an animal. I died as an animal and came back as a human. I had the womb, then I lost the womb, but the moment I came out, my mother's breasts were there. When I lost the breast I found I could walk around by myself. I was always given something more." That  Sufi tale never impressed me so very much – maybe it wasn't written well.

What intensity there is around a suicide. Especially with someone who is known by so many people, and really with very much affection. I remember D'vora once saying to Tzvika: "I love you, but I don't 'like' you." You see, there are actually two people in everyone. What she loved, and what we love, is the essence of the man, which shines through all the conditioning. It always shone through – nobody really took Tzvika as bad. Even when he yelled and screamed at X (wife), she didn't take him as a bad person. Now she's trying to figure out – was he good or bad, what is 'good', and what is 'bad'? Who can figure out those things? On what basis do you make those judgments? But he was tough on her. She might have been tough on him too, but that's beside the point – symbiotic something. He was tough and she didn't like that, I'm sure. I wouldn't be surprised if some would say: 'how could she love him through all that?'

But those manifestations were from the superficial part of Tzvika. That's the personality, that's the ego, that's what was 'running his life' and wanting to get its own way. The family used to say: "He was an 'only child'." That was their excuse for his self-centeredness I think.

Many issues are crossing over here. I'll come back now to why I called Moshe. Had someone had an insight into the situation where a person takes their own life? Maybe an 'insight' ended off in the Mishna (commentaries) or elsewhere. Now, this situation is calling! It's calling because we know this man, Tzvika, so well, from so many sides. The issue will not just go away – whatever the reality of his present state.

Tzvika's energy entered into many people's 'dreams'. Anger, rage! I had a word with him (laugh). I said: "Cut out that shit – we'll give as much attention as possible, but no bullshit from you!" I had very peaceful nights after that.

To 'normal' ears that might sound like fantastic imagination. It is a different level of images. I don't believe it myself – but I know it's true. If you start looking at a scene through a window that has a thin veil on it, you can say: "Oh, I see." But you always have to add: "Yeah, but I know the veil makes some shadows and whatnot." It's not that you don't believe it – but you don't try to do anything with it. You don't make a philosophy out of it, you don't direct your life according to it. We have enough to do right down here. I, personally, have never been interested in anything other than 'sanity on earth'. But it seems the closer you get to that, the thinner the veil gets!

Our 'personalities' are really dirt and dust on the mirror of consciousness. There is One Consciousness – as there is One air and One water – and we participate in that Consciousness. But we get covered with 'conditioning', which can be looked at as dust – and get our 'identity' within it. It's a false identity.

So, the 'Tzvika' that Tzvika thinks he is and that we thought he was, actually is 'non-existent'. It's crystallized bits and pieces of experience and habit. For instance: in our picture of Tzvika, we don't know what he was in bed having sex. Can anybody picture that? You understand? We don't know what he was with his father. For every experience we had of 'Tzivka', there are a million more. He's got his picture, and we've got our picture. His picture became crystallized, as if. And that's what went 'out'. So, what's out there is not real – but it exists, so to speak. And it's full of pain, full of guilt, full of self-judgment – full of judgment, generally. If it's got self-judgment in it, then it's got judgment of a whole lot of other things as well.


Now, here comes the tricky part. Tzvika can suffer, now. When we suffer in life, we actually suffer physically. When one suffers emotionally, one suffers physically. I would say that when friends get to think of Tzvika, they push his pain away. Their confusion in not knowing what it is, or who it was, or what happened, is pretty much the same as his confusion of not knowing who or what. It feels impossible – we don't know how to think about it. Our habit is always to push away everything that is painful and confusing. It just happens – we don't go into the pain. To try to understand, would be just to get more confused.

And that's where the body can take over. Because it's now 'just' vibration – from memory and from judgment. Everything we have is vibration – and that vibration goes into the body. It can be observed as sheer energy, without it slipping up into the imagination that wants to struggle with it, justify it, or run away from it!

That is a rough kind of description of how the body might transform energy. Through direct attention. Not through judgment and not through analysis. Work is about observation – not analysis. And it goes for all centers. In a way it's easier with the body. When you try to observe the mind, you tend to get identified with the thoughts. We think we are the thoughts. Until there's a certain degree of 'separation' we can't really observe the thinking process because we're so identified – we think it's 'us'.

The body is a simpler mechanism for direct attention, if you can avoid 'normal' habit. Generally, when you get a pain, a discomfort, you immediately start 'wondering' – is it a sickness, should you go to a doctor, not go to a doctor, is it this or that, what should you do, tell your mother or not, worry about it or not, do 'something' or not? The sensation brings up all kinds of mental struggle. With whatever is un-comfortable, you start struggling – what are you going to do, going to do, going to do? And the last thing you do – is give it attention. And as we know, attention is light and light heals.

Now, we are in this wonderfully fortunate position. That's why we wanted a body so much – so we could do something with our negative energy – to evolve! That which we could not do without a body.

This doesn't answer everything. You can't answer these things in words anyway. It doesn't describe, or even attempt to describe, the whole situation of what transformation is. But really – that is what the Work is about. It takes time before one reaches a point of realizing this. First of all one must be a little bit attracted to the Truth – and try to apply it. Eventually you might come to understand what Gurdjieff talked about in terms of 'Conscious Labor and Intentional Suffering'.

'Conscious Labor' is making an effort – an effort relative to Knowledge. The more you make that kind of effort – the more you see. And what you see, at this level, is the pain. And that's where the 'Intentional' comes in – to face that vibration intentionally. It's quite the opposite of what we normally do, as we turn away or block it. That's really the beginning of chozer bet'shuva – facing this level first of all as energy.

It's not such a simple matter. You can't just  pick up on these words and all of a sudden do it. You can do, as best you can, the truth of the Work, as well as you know it. That you can do.

Tzvika can suffer, now – but he cannot transform. When I spoke to Moshe, what I was digging for was: is there something that we could do to help Tzvika? Is that a possibility? Why do people say kaddish (prayer for the deceased)? Why are they lighting candles? Why are they sitting shiva (seven-days)? Why the shloshim (thirty-days)? There's the implication that what is done by the people on Earth helps the deceased. That's the implication, no?

I don't know, maybe the shiva is just for the people left behind – to help them calm down. But these religious activities come from some kind of 'inspiration' – it's not coming from nowhere. And the implication is that this side, in life, can have a positive effect on the soul that has left, right? That's obvious.

So that's what I was digging for in my contact with Moshe. Something wasn't clear to me. Here I'm 'going to it', so to speak – I turn over a 'stone' in a Yeshiva. I didn't question Moshe in these exact terms. I just asked: 'What is said about such situations, about suicides?'

We won't speculate on what kind of consciousness might still be out there. In my own death experience I was aware, among other things, of everything that was going on in the room. There are many other such stories, from religions all the way to tales of haunted houses. Haunted? There's nothing to be afraid about. People seem to be afraid to even think of a continuing 'something'. Tzvika did get heavy in Stephen's and my 'dream' world. I told him where to get off! So, if you walk into a room and run into a ghost, you can say: "I'm coming in here now – you get out." Talk to them. Your spirit is as valuable as theirs – and that's your primary responsibility. Don't take no shit from the living or the dead. (Laugh) Got it? Not in a stubborn way – but you can judge when something is fair, or not. You can feel it.

Maybe the question I was putting to myself was the wrong question. Not what can we do, or what can I do – but, what can he do? Can he do anything in that state? Or is he as trapped as he seemed to have indicated to Na'ama. The way I look at it right now, is – yes and no.

One thing he cannot do, is transform the negative energy. He hasn't got a body. Trapped in his negativity so to speak. Trapped in his self-depreciating, vain, guilty picture, which even if he doesn't believe it anymore – is 'Tzvika'. In a way, that's the caterpillar. That's the covering, the 'clipot', the pasted together ego/ personality – which actually has no existence. It's a false identity, it's imaginary 'I' or imaginary 'I's' – but it holds together as an 'electronic something'.

B'kitzur (briefly): If one or more, I'll use the word 'we', can contact with his pain, feel his pain – then we can take some of his pain. Everyone who knew him has some  of that pain in themself, now. Whose pain is it? It's his pain. In a way it's our  imagination of his imagination.

(Hagit) Feel the space between the hands.

The one that we love, is the One – that's the essence of Tzvika. That's what we experience when we relate to a young child. It's the feeling of 'just trust'. It's touching the One Love – the essential in him. The guy that was yelling and angry, became reasonably humble near the end of his life. So we saw more of the love – the Real in him.

(Hagit) Boo. Don't hold onto thoughts, don't get too fixed on something. If you do, you miss the next thing, which is reality – and it's changing all the time. If you can 'be' and also reflect on something – good. But if you lose your Being, you lose contact with whatever else is going on in the room. What, are you ready to let the defense-lawyer talk now? I'm a little bit stirring up your 'personality' at the moment. I'm putting my finger in the hornet's nest – the part that's always trying to figure out, figure out, figure out. And, if I can get you angry enough there – even though you know you could swallow and say it doesn't matter – then maybe you could find yourself behind all that bulshit. Don't think about it. Psst. I should be able to talk to you like this and you remember me in the same way as when I give you a kiss on the cheek. There you go. That's the real you, and that's the real me. If you can remember that, you won't mind me giving you an 'elbow'. You understand? There are two levels, two people actually. One is real and the other is a 'Tzvika'. Everyone's got a 'Tzvika'!

It could be useful to remember Tzvika at the lower level, other than the love. The name 'Tzivka' is actually a label  for a 'package of pain'. Just as 'Hagit' is a label for a package of pain, and 'Stephen' is a label for a package of pain. Every name of a person is a label for a package of pain. Because, mainly in pain are we so busy thinking. That could be a long discourse, that I won't go into right now. But the less you protect your name, the less you are busy developing and ingratiating it – making it important either through pride or guilt. Dealing in life from your 'name', so to speak.

Your name has 'self-interests'. It is, as if, 'yourself'. You're 'identified' with it. Stephen, for quite a period of time, has not been so busy with himself. So he's closer to 'nobody'. You only stay 'somebody' while you're busy making that somebody important – one way or another. He hasn't been busy making that somebody called Stephen important – he's given up on that. He's not worried about Stephen, and Stephen's tomorrow. He's more concerned with, whatever – but not that so much. So, there's almost no Stephen. And the more 'no Stephen', the more of something more essential – that which we love in a person, that which is love, that which is their essence. Essentially, we are love. The 'Tzvika' element is the false part, that is out there agonizing.


Okay, now we're back to im yesh ma la'asot or ain ma la'asot (is there something to do, or not)? It would be useful to remember your love of this man called Tzvika, and to  feel it where it resonates in the chest. What you were seeing on the outside was his pain. When you weren't seeing the love in him, you were experiencing the pain. If you could just remember, you would feel that pain. Is it his pain? It's his pain, because it's his 'twist', it's his 'personality'. Then it becomes 'your' pain, because you related to that twist. So, there's a certain amount of his pain that is in you – pain that you saw and registered. The 'impressions' went in, whether you realized it or not. Now you can do something with it, take it – and transform it.

Tzvika couldn't take all the pain consciously. He fought with it, argued with it, had theories about it, anger and judgment about it. He did take a lot of pain, by the way. Maybe his sensitivity just gave him an overload – and he went out with that overload. If he had stayed on earth, he would have had to suffer it, he would have had to become 'nobody'. He felt he was 'out' of Kadita – however that came about – and out of Kadita he's nobody.

Then he arrives at this house. Everything is fine, he loves it, he says it's a miracle that he's feeling so good and that he didn't end-off in hospital. He loves this one and that one – he's in heaven. But he cannot take being nobody. And in heaven, nobody is anybody. That's the level of Unity.

That is something you (Hagit) went through, and Anat is facing right now. We can not tolerate the fact that, in the 'now', we're nobody. To be 'somebody' you have to remember who you were and who you're going to be. You're in a picture, in a movie. What you 'are', is now. Work is about re-member-ing that Self, behind the images that the imagination cooks up in its complex ways.

Tzvika wasn't a bad person – but very sensitive. And in the overload, he got identified. To look for reasons? He died in a horrible self-picture, because he couldn't be an 'established somebody' in this crazy world – where nobody is anybody, really.

He went out with a desperate sense of failure in the midst of some picture – a lot of stuff that he 'imagined'. He had quite an imagination. Sometimes I sensed his Transylvania blood background – he really had some 'lovely' pictures of vampires and god-knows what else. But in actual fact, in this life, he didn't do anybody any harm, really. You could say: 'yeah, but he was hard on this one, on that one.' But, it's all in the way you take it. No one can really do another any harm – it's all in the way you take it.

I'm throwing out some pieces at the moment. That miserable sense of the world and of himself became all one vibration. That's what went out, that is what feels trapped – and that is why suicide is a 'bad' thing. Not because you hurt God or anybody else, no – you just made a big mistake. You stopped transforming pain – you said 'enough.'

After a difficult time in Kadita (the day before he disappeared), I suggested to Tzvika that he write about it. He said that before he left Kadita he had 'sat in meditation', tried to 'call on God', tried to 'call on the Work' – and the more he did, it only got worse.

I don't know how people start using those kind of words: Work, God, Meditation. There's a warning in that for everyone. I had something similar recently with Mike from Klil. He was into this Chinese discipline of organizing 'space' and whatnot. He was calling himself 'Master' Mike. I said: "be very careful how you use words." Now I say to anybody who might hear this: Before you start talking about God or Meditation or Work, as if you really knew what you're talking about, you had better be very careful. If Tzvika really knew what meditation was and really knew what Work was and had a true sense of the Higher – then he would have had something with which to bypass the feeling of 'I can't take anymore'. He would have had something to 'do'.

But people live in words. They think that if they use a word, it becomes a reality. That might have been the mistake before the mistake. It's full of self-importance, full of fear of just 'being'. Everyone wants to be 'special'. They're so busy being special that they can't just be themself – their deepest, most Real Self. Can a man not be at least as calm as a dog? Dogs are closer to God than most people are. First of all 'to be', is not to be caught in the agony of self-importance.

Tzvika, or the spirit behind Tzvika, is still there – something 'lives on'. It's the same spark of goodness and love, but in the midst of an agonizing picture. There is a consciousness, but that consciousness out there still thinks it's 'Tzvika'. Why doesn't it think it is what it was the life before? Now it knows, that it was in this life, and now it's out. Was it ever in life before? Can it remember who it was last life, or the life before, or the life before that? Maybe that's you!

I now talk as if I'm talking to him. Why be identified with this last personality. People talked to you as if you really were 'somebody', when you knew you were really 'nobody' and that no one really saw you, anyway. Why that 'Tzvika'? Why do you want to be identified with that? Why not the last time that you were around when you were, I don't know what, Mahatma Gandi, or Ghengis Khan, or the corner prostitute, or the shopkeeper. Can you just drop that last 'Tzvika'? If you knew more about it, you would realize it didn't exist in reality anyways. Then you could drop it. But you don't do that. You got so identified with the pain and the confusion and the not knowing, that you took it all with you. Now, how can you get rid of it? The spark of life that is in one caterpillar is in all caterpillars and the spark of life that's in one butterfly is in all butterflies. If you were a pink butterfly or a blue butterfly – it's the same spark. There is a 'spark' up there now, that was human, and as such a very high level of evolution – so it's got consciousness.

They talk about a possible 'hell' after death – the Moslems in particular. I don't know who else talks about it, but the words are out there in English – 'Eternal  Damnation'. What a frightening thought!


I saw something that Frida wrote – like a scroll. 'To dear Tzvika . . . and you were a light and you made people happy, and now your spirit is free' Oh ho. 'You've left wonderful children . . . I remember your laugh and your smile' . . . Oh ho? – he didn't leave with a laugh and a smile!

It is not wild imagination to be able to picture a psychological/electronic body existing in a wider, non-physical dimension. It is also not wild imagination that the feeling of Tzvika, and the thought, and some kind of a non-exaggerated sense of communication – call it what you want – is possible. No more wild than people channeling non-incarnate beings. Who the hell knows. Someone seemed to be channeling Jesus Christ HimSelf. What really exists – always exists.

These kinds of things are inexplicable. But we are not merely masturbating our imagination. We're taking some pieces and, in a way, asking for help – in order to help.

It seems Tzvika can still suffer, and can communicate it from the darkness of his  worst imagination. Stephen woke from a dream – he said he cannot remember exactly what it was, but he was afraid to go back to sleep again. Pieces of violent, god-knows what. Tzvika never killed anybody, he didn't stick his teeth in anybody's neck and suck the blood out. But he did have some terrible pictures. I, also, who am pretty resilient, had the night before, such extreme dreams. It's not my temperament, it wasn't my background. There was such anger, such rage! Before I went to bed the next night, I had a talk with Tzvika. I've heard of people having such terrible nightmares that they're afraid to go to sleep. I've never had anything like that. I said to him, in so many words: "Stop it. . . . we'll pay attention, we'll do what we can, but don't put . . . you know . . . be careful  . . . because if you act impossibly, we'll ignore you!" I had not only a peaceful sleep, but a  beautiful one. I woke up feeling that life wasn't so bad at all, to say the least. That's an attempt at being a little bit humorous, when it's not at all 'funny'. But it is sort of strange, to say the least I guess.

So there we have examples. Tzvika could communicate his worst terror. Now, what can we do? Stephen knew him quite well, he touched him from many different directions. Also myself – he's not a stranger to us at all. It seems Tzvika could agonize, and, it seems, send it. Now, the question is – can we digest it? Can we remember him? They say: "To know a person is to know his best and his worst." Can we be meditative enough to remember him, without resistance? Because, nobody understands – he killed himself! Now that's just a fact. But behind it is the agony, the pain. I'm sure everyone has pushed that away. No one has really faced it, or hardly.

Can we feel whatever comes to us and just take it as energy? There's no way it can be 'broken down'. Can we, before we do that, say: "Look – we'll give you attention, but don't fuck with me!" That means – I don't know exactly how to put it – "If I get more than my system can stand, I'll close out – because you can't make yourself more important than me!"

The first lesson in life-saving is, that when you approach a drowning person, you do so with your fist ready to smack them on the head and knock them out. Because, their tendency is to grab. They'll grab on to anything and could pull you down. So if you have any connection with Tzvika, you'd better be ready. Before he pulls, yell: 'get off.' If you're not a very good swimmer, you had better stay away.

Whatever pain you are able to take from him, without getting into guilt or identification or sentimentality – you might be able to absorb as 'pure' energy. Not to let the mind, the imagination go swirling. If you can take it as energy, maybe you can transform some of it. Then you do something for him – that he cannot do for himself. You've got the body.

If you can do that, you've just learned something about Transformation. Then you can thank God – because that's the biggest lesson in the world. You can then start transforming your own petty little pains. Tzvika had a shipload – you've got a wheelbarrow load. You can take a little bit of his shipload of agony and just feel it – I can't describe it – take it into your body, watch it. See what happens. It's not yours, so you don't have to be afraid of it.

That could be a big blessing. Maybe that's why he was put on the face of this earth – to exhibit this immense contradiction between amazing love and amazing – I don't know what to call it – compulsiveness! That he should die, and the connection is so strong that people want to help – and thereby learn something of what it means to Transform Energy.

Now, what a picture I just drew. Someone could hear this and say: "Oh, yeah, that's possible, let's go and find the . . . you know . . . if the Lubavitch Rabbi were still alive, maybe he could do it . . . I don't know . . . maybe go to India and find seven saints or something, maybe they could transform some of the energy of Tzvika's pain."

And, I am saying – you do it. You learn how to transform. Because – that's what you're on earth for. You could die as well with a big package of who you think you are – which you're not – and have to go through a whole round of schools outside. Maybe you can start to make the big step now – learn how to really use your body.

So, somehow, it's being suggested that you can help Tzvika. I don't like the term 'Tzvika' – you can help the essence of this person we called Tzvika. You can remember his Real Self – behind the 'joker'. And in doing that, you could come to understand the purpose of your own life – to come out of false-identity, back to what you really are. Finally take the lesson of earth!

What passed for Tzvika on the surface was just crystallized vibrations of habit and mechanical reactions. That's what we called 'Tzvika'. And what you call you, to yourself, by your own name, is also a bundle of, as if reality – of habit repeating. It's a false identity, though an inevitable development in life.

Human beings, in their evolution, have to move out of the false picture and back to matzpun (conscience). In matzpun there is no more 'self-suffering'. Matzpun: 'God's representative on earth.'. It has a voice and a message which is very different from our usual fearful calculations. Only you can initiate that unidentified kind of contact with your own heart.

You've got 'Tzvika' in you. All you have to do is find him. You may have him a little bit or a lot, but he is there – the good and the bad, what you liked and what you disliked. You've got both sides, somehow. The policeman who met him a few days before this incident also has his Tzvika, and he suffers in guilt as well, because he was heavy on him. So he thinks maybe he caused him to 'do it'. It's not that simple. He wanted to come to the house to give his condolences – a Druse officer, too clever for his own good. He could only see Tzvika with suspicion and dealt with him with disrespect. But nevertheless, whether he liked it or not, he saw the man and now there's guilt.

It's not his fault. Tzvika had fifty-five odd years to develop a 'personality'. It's nobody's fault. And maybe it could be turned into a blessing. Tzvika held a lot, it's not even his fault – it's a reality. That policeman has Tzvika inside himself. Anyone who touched him, has got their 'Tzvika'. Go take a look – if you can take it.

To do that, you would have to get very close to matzpun. But in matzpun you're 'nobody', in a social sense, but you're very alive – and who could take that?

Those people who remember Tzvika with love, would really do whatever they could to help him out of his suffering – as long as it didn't deplete them completely. Your first responsibility is your own soul. No one can 'demand'. Tzvika had been doing a lot of 'demanding' in the past. In the last paper he wrote he said that he was always sucking on people for attention and for . . . what?

Tamara : For energy and life!

So, he had that tendency – that's also an aspect of his giving shows and entertaining. But those were not the only things. He was wonderful with children. And the 'wonderful' came from his love, from his matzpun. There's no 'identity' there – that was really him.

I must say at this point that even if what I'm talking about is true and practical, no one should get into guilt with it. You're either able to 'smell' the issue and have some relationship to it, or not. Go and look at Tzvika – if your love is strong enough. What to look at? You would have to feel it out, I suppose.

What you took as 'Tzvika', on the outside, is the pain and the whole manifestation of personality, which is nothing but a reaction to the pain. If you can remember the times that you didn't 'like' him – and you don't have to analyze it – you'll be feeling, taking in some of that pain of his. That's as clear a statement that has been made so far.

Maybe it's a mistake to think only of the love. You do have to anchor yourself there, in your affection for him, to remember that – then to go to the 'horrible' things. Not to criticize – you can view those aspects as an inevitability. But, only from matzpun – if you can get back there. Remember the love and only then, somehow, become aware of the 'twist'.

In that twist is his pain. And if you can feel that pain, he may be relieved of some of it. Then, you would have to do something with it – in your body. Even if you take only a little, that would require a certain amount of Transformation.

There is always a certain amount of transformation going on. By taking some of Tzvika's pain, you are giving him some benefit of your effort of transformation. Give anybody in pain some attention, even in life, and you take some of their pain. You take it in, but it doesn't kill you. You transform it.

So, all of this begins to look more and more practical. The 'not nice' or un-comfortable impressions that you got, were of this 'surface Tzvika' – basically his pain.

I'm repeating myself now. It's not very different from what you do with a person that you care for in life, when you give them an ear, when you give them consideration, when you think with them, when you talk to them – when you just see them.

Now – you've got the body. You can give attention to it. You've got the Transforming Mechanism. If you are blessed with a certain sensitivity and insight, you may be able to use it NOW. Somehow to REALIZE what all this is about. The intensity of the situation can be put to great advantage!

And up to this moment, which is Wednesday 15/2/01 – that's my best shot.



And don't forget to BREATH into it!